I don’t know when and how this started. I am a laid back person, at least that is how I view myself for a long time. I used to be the jolly one, the one who always spills the joke and stories about which and who. I’m still like this, but part of me has changed, changed a lot.
They said that life is not a competition, but why it seems like we’re battling every day to endless challenges? It may bring the best or worst of us. If we try to view it on the bright side, we will depict every scar, pain as a way to make our lives better, aiding us to be a good or a better person somehow, then congratulations. But there are some people who cannot be affirmative all the time. Some of us are celebrating the pain, making things and situations harder and harder every day.
Way back college years, my only problems were the numbers of project and assignment which bound to doomed you little by little. The peer pressure is present like you want to cope or adopt whatever they have or whatever they’re doing. But that’s just a little dilemma for me because I am too busy with academic and extracurricular activities that were draining my energy for four years. I missed the good old days. Have you ever wonder how many times we wanted to be an adult in just one glimpse because we think we’re way better and matured enough to handle cluttered life adversities? Do you even think instead of how many times you had the wish to go back in your youngest years, carefree, happy and full of hope?
Everything seems to be different now. During your happy times, you’ll think of something that will make you sad. When you’re going down the hill, it feels like you’re in a sinkhole with no way out, suffocating you, yet you’re oddly satisfied with that feeling. Why? Is that a form of sadism? I don’t know. Right after graduation, you’ll have a work you think you like, mingle with office mates whom you think some are friends but not. You’ll have a family away from you because you’re living completely different areas from rural to urban. You’ll have a friend who turned back down on you because they’ll have another friend that seems to be nicer than you are and they’ll have their girlfriends and boyfriends and now you’re nothing but just an acquaintance. You’ll pay your bills, do the laundry, the shopping of groceries, the household chores and cook your own meal, which you’re not used to. But you’re an adult now so you have no choice, but to learn and you can’t get rid of it. There’s no escape. Sometimes human interaction sucks. You think that someone’s opinion is not necessary especially when it’s irrelevant or out of the line on what the topic or the talk is about. You have spent most nights crawling on your bed, browsing social media, watching Netflix and movies, or contemplate about life, about your decisions, about everything you did, your what-ifs, of what you supposed to do, but you’re afraid so you lose the chance and you know that there’s no turning back. Contrary to your personality, sometimes you have enjoyed talking to strangers of different age because you think the usual squad you’re up with will only discourage you, degrade you or disagree with you because most of the times they’re like that. There are times that everything and everyone annoys you. Sometimes you tend to be an impulse decision maker. My office mates often invite me to chill with beer or tequila, and here I go again who can’t utter ‘No’. The sad thing is I want to get wasted, but I always end up sober. No one likes being sober. I tend to think and think of relevant or irrelevant things after and yeah, it’s the worst part of the night or breaking dawn. Or sometimes when someone invites you, you always have the excuse because you don’t want to come in the first place. You want to enjoy the solitude, the pain of thinking, the sadness and the aching of whatever you’re going through with life. Life is a series of cluttered events, maybe and you are a cluttered human being who knows and who don’t know what to do at the same time. Irony.
Two years. Yes, it’s been two years of being single. I can’t say that in between of these two years that I am okay, I am sad, I am happy because for certain, I am everything, I felt everything. There are times that I enjoyed being single, enjoyed the company of friends, family, and whoever – with you and them talking about everything. You enjoyed so much of the phase that you have no worries if you’ll end up being single for the rest of your life. Ahhhhhhh! But I also envy those happy couples. Why I can’t be like that at all? Why I always end up being with the wrong person whom I always think is the right one. I am being so unpredictable sometimes.
I spent my late nights sometimes browsing Buzzfeed, Thought Catalog or any other books I like. The weird thing about me is I started searching for memes and laughs terribly when I found out the spirit animal memes. Do you feel me? I usually chat with a gig friend about weird stuff, science, politics, self-doubt, why the sky is blue?, if they believe in God, how many pets they have and what are their names? I can’t seem to understand what’s going on with me.
I know that this is just a phase. I’ll overcome this somehow. But right now, I’ll enjoy whatever life has to offer and pretend that everything is fine, if that’s the case, so be it. If you happened to have the same scenarios, I need you, I want to talk about our likes and dislikes. Somehow, I’ll not feel lonely, somehow, I’ll feel understood and valued.