I wish I can say this to you but I can’t. I have so many words for you but it seems like I can’t utter it personally (maybe). If that time will come, you’ll feel the very loud silence, the very aching pain, the very unexplainable longing, grief, and all of the random shit I’m feeling and you’ve made me feel. A few days from now and I’ll be twenty-three years of age and yet I still didn’t receive any explanations of the hows and whys. Yes, I am still wondering, when will that be.
I don’t know exactly what it feels like to be talking heart to heart about my frustrations, happiness, or anything going on with my life. I don’t know how it’s like during family days, or on Sundays that I have this father to cling my arms with upon going to Church, or how it’s like when I was a child to be sleeping on our couch and magically waking up on the bed already. I don’t know how it was having suitors with a father interviewing them, or having a boyfriend telling him not to hurt me or else he’ll get serve what he deserves. Never in my life that I have a father to tell about my grades, how difficult my projects and assignments were or how school days were jovial or challenging. Well, thanks to my grandfather, he did it for me, he did it all for me. Does it feel the same?
I’ve spent most of my nights when I was in High School thinking why you have to leave and why you have abandoned us. I’m used to my mother and grandparents, aunts and uncles looking after me, but it feels like my personality, my inner being is still incomplete. I’m always dreaming of a happy and complete family. Who doesn’t want it anyway? I lived my life pretending that I am strong or perhaps I’m strong but I am not strong enough. I’m still longing for the presence of a real father. But maybe you have reasons, valid reasons somehow. I used to talk to you when I was a kid without the knowledge that you are my father. How absurd was that? How can life be so harsh to me like that? I’m just thinking “maybe it’s better off like that”.
I’ve been in a roller coaster kind of life and how I wish that during those times, you’re there for me, you’re there with me. As much as I wanted it to be that way, but it’s impossible and I know even on the days ahead, this will never happen. I am stronger now, you’ve been my inspiration through all of these. I swear to myself, this will be my sweet vengeance on you. I’ll be a successful person with our without you. I did it without you. I want to thank you for this heartache. It made me tough as rock, it made me appreciate the people around me showing me care and love. I would like to apologize for all the profanity I’ve said which I think somewhat you deserve. My grandmother told me that I shouldn’t plant hatred, I need to be understanding but I can’t seem to understand everything but here I am, typing on my laptop, telling things I know and I don’t know about you. My grandfather also told me that I should let my self free from any wrath if I want to have an inner peace. I hope I made you even a little proud of me, ’cause I’m fighting a battle bravely since day one. I want to love you as much as I could, but there are things fate can’t give. If given the chance, even just for one day, I’ll tell everything to you, how crazy I am, how stubborn I was, anything, anything under the sun. I am still praying for that one day. But for now I can only wish you luck. May the best of both worlds be with us.
The forgotten daughter