I wish I can say this to you but I can’t. I have so many words for you but it seems like I can’t utter it personally (maybe). If that time will come, you’ll feel the very loud silence, the very aching pain, the very unexplainable longing, grief, and all of the random shit I’m feeling and you’ve made me feel. A few days from now and I’ll be twenty-three years of age and yet I still didn’t receive any explanations of the hows and whys. Yes, I am still wondering, when will that be.
I don’t know exactly what it feels like to be talking heart to heart about my frustrations, happiness, or anything going on with my life. I don’t know how it’s like during family days, or on Sundays that I have this father to cling my arms with upon going to Church, or how it’s like when I was a child to be sleeping on our couch and magically waking up on the bed already. I don’t know how it was having suitors with a father interviewing them, or having a boyfriend telling him not to hurt me or else he’ll get serve what he deserves. Never in my life that I have a father to tell about my grades, how difficult my projects and assignments were or how school days were jovial or challenging. Well, thanks to my grandfather, he did it for me, he did it all for me. Does it feel the same?
I know some of you cringes whenever you saw someone who has a lot of tattoos. I often heard people saying that having a tattoo is filthy and unpleasant. As for me, it is an art, it connotes beauty and it’s a masterpiece having your body as the canvass. December 03, 2017 is a significant date for me. It was the very first time I got a tattoo. It’s quite a pleasure since I’ve looked forward it for years.
I wanted to create a blog per month, but I am out of topics so I find it hard to construct one. It’s been on my mind since I started blogging to feature my love for music, and going on to gigs. I wanted to share some experiences of how happy I am meeting the artists up close behind these voices I’m hearing in Spotify only. I have few drafts but never posted it. I don’t know why. I have words but I can’t seem to finish the entry. I wanted to share how I met new people and became friends with them because of gigs, how cute it is when the bands played with lights also playing with your eyes. It’s like a trickery between your eyes and ears. I also wanted to share how much bliss I’m feeling whenever I’m bumping with these artists, having small talks and photo ops.
I don’t know when and how this started. I am a laid back person, at least that is how I view myself for a long time. I used to be the jolly one, the one who always spills the joke and stories about which and who. I’m still like this, but part of me has changed, changed a lot.
They said that life is not a competition, but why it seems like we’re battling every day to endless challenges? It may bring the best or worst of us. If we try to view it on the bright side, we will depict every scar, pain as a way to make our lives better, aiding us to be a good or a better person somehow, then congratulations. But there are some people who cannot be affirmative all the time. Some of us are celebrating the pain, making things and situations harder and harder every day.
And I’ll be sorry for now that I couldn’t be around. Sometimes things refuse to go the way we planned. Oh, I’ll be sorry for now that I couldn’t be around. There will be a day that you will understand. You will understand.